The Chicago Cubs Should Hire Brad Ausmus Because He Is Hot

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Brad…hello. (Photo by KA Sports Photos)

Recently, the Chicago Cubs decided to part ways with their manager of five years, Joe Maddon. As a Cubs fan with many opinions, it was bittersweet. Maddon brought us our first World Series win in 108 years, and his departure definitely marks the end of an era in Cubs baseball. That said, I never thought Maddon was blameless in everything that’s gone wrong with the Cubs since 2016 (and, to be frank, everything that was wrong in 2016 — people forget that we were very close to losing Game 7). Is he entirely to blame? Of course not. I am happy to put a large heaping of blame on the Ricketts, who are terrible in every possible way there is for a rich family to be terrible. Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer should also take some blame. So should the players. Basically, when a team of any sort is having trouble, everyone on the team plays some part in that, because that’s just how teams work.

However, I am not here to talk about team building, or even about the technicalities of baseball. I am here to talk about the Chicago Cubs’ next manager, and who I think that should be. There are a lot of names out there right now. Maddon’s bench coach, Mark Loretta? He would certainly make the most sense, but the Cubs organization isn’t exactly into doing things that make sense right now. Joe Girardi? He works for the Yankees and is therefore incredibly evil, but the Cubs are trying to transition their image from “charming champions” to “mediocre monsters,” so he could have a chance. David Ross? I love Rossy, and his experience on Dancing with the Stars certainly makes him very qualified, but I myself have other ideas. Namely, Brad Ausmus.

Aye aye, Captain! (Photo by GabboT)

Who is Brad Ausmus? Most recently, he was fired from the Los Angeles Angels (of Anaheim) after one year as their manager to make way for Joe Maddon’s return (probably). Prior to that, he was the manager of the Detroit Tigers. Before that, he was a baseball player. The most important thing to know about Brad Ausmus, however, is that he is incredibly hot.

Thus far, Ausmus has not made the shortlist of managerial possibilities for the Cubs. People who take this sport very seriously will say that Ausmus is not a good fit for the Cubs because of various stats. But I am not here to talk about stats. It is the weekend, and I refuse to even acknowledge the existence of numbers on weekends. Besides, who cares? The Cubs are on their way to being bad again. We are heading into another century-long curse due to both the organization’s poor treatment of Miguel Montero and its insistence that an abusive cumberworld continue to play for the team. At this point, what do we have to lose?

The answer is, not much. We’re rapidly heading towards a rebuild, and we might as well look good doing it. There’s talk that we’re going to willingly trade players like Kris Bryant and Javy Báez, who, along with being good, also make up a combined 60% of the Cubs’ roster’s current hotness. Even if we don’t trade them during this offseason, it is very unlikely that the Cubs will offer either one of them enough to stick around once they hit free agency. Baseball players come and go — it’s the nature of the game. That’s why, in tumultuous times like those that the Cubs are about to head into, it is imperative that we have a very physically attractive skipper leading the way.

While Brad Ausmus being hot is reason enough for the Cubs to hire him, I do want to highlight the fact that he also speaks Spanish. You know who should speak Spanish? Every single manager in the MLB. Non-Spanish speaking players should also have to take Spanish lessons (Japanese as well, if applicable). While teams such as the Boston Red Sox and Cleveland Indians already have required Spanish programs for non-Spanish speakers, and many other teams offer optional courses or language-learning software, the Cubs, as of June 2019, do not. This is because Cubs ownership, as we have established, is ridiculous. Could Brad Ausmus change that? Maybe. It is, admittedly, not really his job, but he does have a pair of fine eyes, which can be very useful when one is dealing in the art of persuasion.

So, Cubs, that’s my hot tip: hire Brad Ausmus. Why? He’s hot. That’s it. What more do you need?

Cat mom, librarian, and writer in Chicago.

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